Nightmare in Wolfville



Well here it is. I have not blogged in almost eight (8) years. What brings me back? So much on my mind for which I just cannot openly express to friends and family without sounding like a pathetic tosser. I’d probably contradict the shit out of myself anyway. There is so much going on, so much frustration and so much rejection.

Let’s explore the issues of my love life.

The 1st issue… I have always attracted girls with pretty deep cognitive issues. I don’t want to say Crazy Girls but that’s how my friends would describe them. I guess I am Mr Stable and crazies like a stable guy – maybe because this stability keeps them stable? What I have learned is that one person’s stabilisation system cannot work for two people while constant and prolonged over a period time without bringing the stable person down. It’s just too much! Over my life I have attracted the girls that have deep self-conscious issues. After being hurt by a lot of the girls I finally put the-brakes-on a number of years ago so that I could concentrate my search for a stable girl – A girl that is not on anti-depressants, is not Bipolar, not schizophrenic or so religious that nothing worked passed a certain point. A lot of these girls have cheated on me. They’ve either got so stoned on weed that they could not control their impulses or they got super promiscuous when they got super depressed. Either way I was told by many that I should understand – not to take it personally. No one was at fault for it. This only made me feel worse because there I was… Heart in pieces, emotions continuously imploding, feeling a pain without pain in my tummy and with no one to hold accountable. Expected to carry on as normal because I was such an understanding and empathetic bloke. These experiences brought forward a whole new world of checks and balances. I am not a “Commit-a-phobe”. Far from it! I am Mr Quality Assurance. People tell me that I have high expectations. That I reach to high. I am told to lower my standards. I ask why? I am looking for the love of my life. If I can’t give a girl the whole of me 100% then she is not my life partner. I am slowly starting to understand the system within me that decides if I really, really like a girl. I once thought that it was pure shallow shit like boobs, bum and legs. I now know it to be some sort of spiritual connection. It’s like my brain searches out with some form of WiFi signal when I meet a girl and it tells me if this girl would be a great match for me. I have explored this in more detail and have found that the girls that I am instantly attracted to spread across many demographics. Tall, Short, younger than me, older than me, curvey, slim, small boobs, big boobs, short hair, long hair, brown eyes, blue eyes, English speaking, French Speaking. It doesn’t matter. If my brain says that are match then on a physchological level I am attracted to them.

The 2nd issue… I live in a place totally devoid of people within my age range (24-35). Anyone here in this bracket are generally married/dating someone, have kids or….. ALL OF THE ABOVE! Sigh! As they say here…. “People leave to feed and return to breed.”

The 3rd issue… I am a bigger guy. I am sure I have a six pack under there some where. I remember being skinny when I was 9 then after that I started to inflate. I have always been big. I am an attractive person. I like to walk, hike and when I owned a bike in London I rode EVERYWHERE but I never ever really lost weight. I am not self-conscious about my weight but I am slowly starting to become self-conscious. I know a lot of girls have issues with it when things go past the “friend-stage”. I know that if I was slim I’d probably been in a lot more relationships regardless of how shallow these partners might have been. All my ex-girlfriends bar one went for me (Unknown to me) because I was Mr Stable. I know that if they were of sane mind they’d probably never have looked at me twice let alone once. The trouble is that there are many places to point the finger. Do I blame the media for implanting into everyone’s heads of what the ideal body should be? Do I blame myself for being a big guy? I just don’t know. Some say that girls are attracted to you for your confidence and sense of humour. Well… without sounding arrogant I have both in abundance and I even have a British accent but nope… I cannot get anywhere because the girls I am attracted to are either taken, crazy or not attracted to big guys. I know that I am not the only person going through this but its hard when you see a lot of your friends pairing of with amazing partners and here I am with nothing but lots of platonic beautiful female friends and of course myself – “Mr Friend-Zone of the year”.

So I guess it is fair to say that I have not been in a relationship since 2007. I’ve had my fair share of brief connections with a number of girls but some turned out to be crazy, some were commit-a-phobes and others just weren’t to be. I am not one to lead a girl on. I do not drink so naturally that means no one-night-stands. Finding a girl of substance seems to be occupying my mind a lot lately. I have only felt madly in love with one girl in my life and I miss that feeling. I am envious of those that do.